As I sat in my office yesterday, a couple recounted an argument that they had on Valentine’s Day (Not the best day to argue). In actuality, they were both attempting to make the day romantic and special, but somehow managed to miscommunicate something that should have been minor and easily cleared up. But it wasn’t.
First, one expressed some hurt over not feeling important. Then the other expressed defensiveness. From there, voices were raised and hurtful words were spoken. One retreated to the bedroom. In a few minutes, the other one followed, speaking more harsh words. After that person left the room, then the other one followed spewing equal amounts of venom. Needless to say, nothing was solved. What should have been a romantic evening spiraled into an emotional heap, and here they were in my office feeling both discouraged and unloved.
Relational expert John Gottman, of the University of Washington, has discovered that the most important points in an argument can be found in the first three minutes. What typically follows that, is the individuals just repeating the same points but at increased decibels. For me the take-aways from his research are this: 1) make your points (which will only take three minutes), and then 2) listen for understanding.
When my highest goal in a discussion is more about my desire to understand than it is my desire to force the other person to understand my point of view, the greater likelihood there is of peaceful resolution.
So I encourage you this week to observe the 3 minute rule in your discussions, with the emphasis on understanding, and see what happens in your most significant relationships.