We all make mistakes. Whether big or small, knowing that we made them can take us to healthy growth or unhealthy reactions. I sometimes hear individuals make statements such as, “People shouldn’t feel guilt over things that they have done.” However, I would tend to disagree with that thought. As a friend of mine from California used to say, “Sometimes we feel guilty because – we are!”
Sometimes guilt leads to inappropriate compensation. One example of this would be when parents choose to divorce and then have to watch the hurt and pain this causes their children. The guilt sets in resulting in permissive behaviors. Perhaps we don’t hold them to them same standards around school work, because we feel guilty for the pain we have caused. Or maybe we become Disneyland Dad, spoiling them by giving them more and more. In doing this you may be enabling bad behavior or creating a lack of responsibility on your child’s part. But you do those things to appease your own guilt, not to create self-reliant and healthy individuals.
But guilt actually serves a valuable purpose – if we will allow it to. For example, if I talk about you behind your back, you become upset and confront me about my actions – I feel guilty. And for good reason. But now I have a choice of reactions. If I sit in the corner and feel hurt, but still gossip about you, guilt has only created negative feelings but not changed behavior. However, if I am able to own what I did, apologize, and not talk about you behind your back anymore – guilt has effectively served its purpose.
As you think about the important people in your life today, I encourage you to consider the mistakes you may have made but then allow that knowledge to motivate you toward healthy growth and renewed relationships.