Do you remember when you were young and your mother said something like, “Don’t eat any cookies before dinner or you will ruin your appetite.” So what did you do? For me, the call of the cookies was oftentimes too strong and I would succumb. But then you know what would happen. I wasn’t hungry and then would come the lecture. Oh how I hated the lecture. So, I would defend my actions saying something along the lines of, “Well you said dinner was going to be later,” or “That’s not fair. You let _________ (fill in the blank of a sibling’s name) have cookies yesterday.” We can be very creative in our defensive comebacks. However, have you noticed that the more you defend, the more exasperated the other person becomes?
I love the TV show NCIS. Leroy Jethro Gibbs, who is the boss of the investigative team, frequently says, “Never say you’re sorry. It is a sign of weakness.” As much as I wouldn’t want to disagree with Gibbs to his face, in this article I will. He couldn’t be more wrong.
When I make poor choices, but then defend them to my spouse – I erode the foundation of trust and intimacy that exist between us. But when I confess my mistake and apologize – sincerely – I open the door to possibilities. Possibilities for openness, healing, and a renewed level of intimacy. Confession tears down walls and builds bridges.
So, this week when you misstep, rather than get in your mate’s face with your attempts at deflection and defense – try confession. The age old quote that “Confession is good for the soul,” might be reworded to “Confession is good for your marriage as well.” Plus – maybe you will get some more cookies.