I remember when my boys were younger and we would go camping multiple times every summer. We loved to fish, hike, and at night, sit by the campfire and eat smores. I recall how much Jeremy, the oldest enjoyed methodically gathering firewood. He would scavenger the area looking for loose limbs, but he most enjoyed finding bigger logs that he could cut up with a saw or chop with his hatchet. The two boys loved building that campfire. At the end of the evening, as we prepared to bed down for the night, we would put out the fire by pouring a couple of buckets of gasoline on it.
WHOA! Stop the presses. We would do what? You mean that isn’t what you do to put out a fire? Well of course not – that is ludicrous. And neither did we. We would douse the campfire with water – if we really wanted to put it out. Everyone knows that.
However, when it comes to our relationships, we seem to have forgotten that principle. We get in an argument with our mate. We see things getting heated. We know this is not going well and it would be best to de-escalate the situation. So, what do we do – we insult, call names, use sarcasm, and remark how stupid the other person’s ideas are. But here is crazy part – we act surprised that they are madder now than when the discussion first began. Really? Yep. Somehow we seem to have forgotten that childhood lesson that throwing gasoline on a fire only increases its size.
When in a heated conversation with our spouse, it is critical that we leave the gasoline (unkind words, etc.) out in the garage. If my goal is for this to go well – it will help if I learn to use “Water words.” Things like – “I’m sorry,” “I made a mistake,” “I guess I miscommunicated,” and so on. They can make all the difference in the world.
This week’s tip – when the discussion is difficult and has the potential to heat up – look for the words and phrases that will dampen the situation. Otherwise that simple campfire is libel to become a blazing forest.