People respond in a variety of ways to a question like this. Some might say (because we all want to appear to be reasonable) that they always calmly and rationally discuss disagreements. Others would answer with an honest expression of “We yell at each other, get it all out in the open and then we are fine.” And more still might indicate that they avoid arguing at all cost, not sharing feelings, pretending things are fine, and laying low.
There could be lots of different answers. But now here is the question for you that is even more important: Which style of argument or discussion is most often used by loving couples? Think about it for a moment (Jeopardy music is playing in the background) . . . . What was your answer? Ok, so maybe it was a trick question or better yet, it was the wrong question.
Research studies have reported that healthy couples may use any of the styles mentioned above with productive results because the style is not the issue as much as the positive or negative affirmations the individuals experience. The average happy couple has at least five-to-one positive-to-negative interactions during conflict. It doesn’t seem to matter whether they are “yellers,” “avoiders,” or “validators.” On the other hand, those couples who are more likely to be headed for divorce are those who experience a 0.8-to-one ratio. Couples who best navigate conflict in constructive ways are those who can balance their arguments with kindness and attentiveness.
So, this week I encourage you to focus on making sure that you strive for a five-to-one positive-to-negative ratio when engaged in those difficult discussions in your most important relationships. Try it and see if things just might go more smoothly.