I recently sat with a couple in my office as they described a conflict they encountered. It seems that the husband and wife had agreed to meet at a restaurant for dinner one evening. The husband was held up at a meeting that ran long and arrived about a half hour late. This was not the first time that this kind of thing had happened, as a matter of fact, it was a regular occurrence. So, it was easy to understand when the wife expressed her displeasure. The husband apologized and said “I didn’t mean to be late.” His wife coldly responded with “You never mean to be late.”
As the icicles hung in the air, the husband thought that since he had apologized, things should be fine. But they weren’t – and here is why. They were each looking at the situation through a different set of lenses. He was seeing it through the lens of “intention.” He wasn’t making her wait on purpose. He intended to get there on time. Therefore, since he had good intentions – she should forgive him and all would be peachy. And they might have been if she were using that lens. However, she is viewing things through a different one – that of consequence. Regardless of the reason for being late, the reality is – she had to wait for a half hour. He experienced the situation from his own perspective – good intentions. On the other hand, she experienced it through feeling discounted and unimportant. It would seem that it is NOT the thought that counts, but the action.
So, here is the tip: when you have upset your spouse – always begin the discussion by acknowledging how your behaviors impacted him or her. The other person really doesn’t care much at that point what your intentions were. They want to know that you understand how your actions affected them. Remember – the goal here is not necessarily agreement – but understanding. How can you communicate better understanding to your partner today?