When you read that question, what comes to mind? When we were in high school, many of the girls thought, “Well he must be tall and muscular, have a nice car, and make at least a little money.” The guys might have said, “She needs to be slim, cute, and have blonde (brunette, red, fill in the blank) hair.” Now it is easy to dismiss this thinking as the ramblings of the young and inexperienced. But I must admit, I hear 40 and 50 year old adults still make similar wish lists.
If we found the type of ideals listed above would we be satisfied? Would we be happier? A study published in 2015 took an in-depth look at both intrinsic values (those that reflect the inner qualities – such as kindness, reliability, and substance of character) and extrinsic values (those that focus on the reaction of others – typically items like attractiveness, status, and age). The results clearly demonstrated that “who the person is” outweighs “how the person looks.”
The key to satisfaction was firmly anchored in the “who the person is” qualities. This was true whether or not the person was slim and attractive or muscular with money. While the external qualities seem to be what people initially notice about each other, they appear to be important to the long-term relationship only when the inner qualities are lacking. In other words, if there is an absence of substance, then looks maybe all you have to hang on to. Which is frightening for the relationship’s survival, as looks are guaranteed to fade as we age.
So, the tip this week is this – if you want to continue to grow in a manner that will contribute to the health of your marriage, spend your time, energy, and focus on developing who you are as a person – determined to become exactly who God has called you to be! Let that be your pursuit.