You are on vacation and are driving with your family. As you go through a small town, you hear a strange sound coming from the car. Pulling into an Auto repair shop, you learn that the car needs a new water-pump, which they have to order, and you will need to spend a night in the town. You are frustrated, but you find a hotel with a pool, and the kids are thrilled. As it turns out, this proves to be a relaxing stop and the whole family was re-energized. We have a choice – get angry about it and stomp around complaining that our plans are disrupted, or we roll with it and “make lemonade out of lemons.”
This common phrase is a description of “cognitive reappraisal.” When we can reframe a situation in which we find ourselves, finding the positives, it can help us to feel better about ourselves, other people, and the situation. The family above had not caused the car problem, it was out of their control, but they had a choice in how to deal with the situation.
However, a recent study in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, found that when try to apply this thinking to a negative situation that we have the ability to change, but refuse to do so, instead of feeling better, we may feel stressed and depressed.
I see many couples who are experiencing conflict and tension in their marriage. Sometimes those conflicts are of their own making and they know what they need to do to fix it – but they don’t. They may try to place blame or even work to gloss over the reality of the situation in order to make themselves feel better. However, we find this approach rarely works. We typically feel worse – because we know we have the power to initiate change but don’t.
If you are experiencing conflict in a significant relationship, I encourage you to examine whether or not you have helped to create this situation. If you have had a part in it, then the obvious suggestion is – you have the ability to impact change for the better – so go for it.