Have you ever noticed how opposites seem to attract each other? An extrovert marries an introvert; a spontaneous person connects with a scheduled planner; or a “neat freak” is drawn to someone who leaves things scattered everywhere. While to some this may seem strange, many have experienced this.
You see, we are often drawn to those who have qualities that we are missing. While I may like everything to be planned out and known in advance, I, at the same time, may be intrigued by the person who can just decide on the spur of the moment to go do something fun. A part of me may look for ways to add that missing component into my life – perhaps even by marrying them.
One area where this doesn’t seem to hold true is in communicating emotion. Marriage researcher John Gottman has found that this area of incompatibility can be predictive of divorce in couples. While some in a relationship feel it is important to talk about anger or sadness, others are fearful of these discussions, believing that they should keep their negative feelings to themselves. This may be a result of the style of relating that we experienced in our own family of origin. For others the roots of fear could be connected to a previous dysfunctional relationship. Either way, this difference in style often leads to resentment, which slowly erodes the foundations of a relationship.
If this is a difference that you and your mate encounter, I urge you this week to take a new approach. Whether you are the one who likes to discuss feelings or you are the person who shies away from them, try sitting down with your spouse to discuss this difference. Begin with the assurance that – you love them, you are not going anywhere, and you are not going to get upset over differences in styles – but that you want to learn to talk together about “things that matter.” In other words, create a safe place in which to have this discussion. In doing so, you are sowing the seeds that can help to grow a deeper relationship.