A couple recently sat in my office – intense, unhappy, and bearing down on their marriage with the same exertion required to open a very tight jar. In other words, they were working really really hard but were not having success. The marriage was no longer fulfilling and they both felt unable to meet the desires and expectations of their mate. This was not fun.
It wasn’t just that it was no longer fun. They truly seemed to have forgotten how to have fun. This is not uncommon. It is much like the person who takes up golf because they enjoy the sport. But before long they are becoming more and more self-critical with every swing until they finally heave the golf club into the woods in frustration. Similarly, couples can begin to approach their spousal interactions with the same “bearing down” attitude used in approaching the 9th hole.
Back to the couple in my office. This intense place was where they were – and it was exhausting for them. I asked them to shelve their issues for one week. During that week they were to simply enjoy each other. We weren’t pretending that the issues weren’t there. We were just, as Bob says in the movie, “What About Bob,” “taking a vacation from their problems.” I offered some suggestions of ways that could do this and be more playful.
It was refreshing to see them a week later with smiles on their faces. One afternoon, while sitting on the deck, things got a little too serious. So the wife pulled out squirt guns she had purchased at the store that week. She told her husband, “If you don’t want your laptop to get wet, you had better put it inside.” Totally caught off guard, he did. Then before handing him his pistol, she squirted him first and then things were off and running.
Playfulness can be the catalyst for renewed intimacy. So, this week when things get too intense – try getting a little crazy and playful. It just might be fun all over again.