You call your husband during the day to let him know that you are upset with the fact that he forgot to take the trash to the street this morning, before he left for work, as he had promised.  Not a big deal in and of itself – but it is about to become one.  Instead of accepting the responsibility and expressing regret, he mumbles something that simply allows him to get off the phone.  You don’t think much about it.

But later, when he gets home from work, he seems distant.  You try your best to make conversation but it is met with stonewalling.  He seems to be busy doing things that allow him to avoid you.  As you pursue him with questions, you are met with one-word responses.  What is happening?  You are being given the “silent treatment.”

We have all been guilty at one time or another of giving someone the cold shoulder.  But why?   Usually because we feel hurt and powerless.  This is our way of reclaiming some kind of control.  But as one therapist stated, it is the “equivalent of a deadly emotional assassination.”  The reason it is so deadly is that it thwarts the purpose of our anger or frustration.  When we are upset we can use the opportunity for constructive communication that can bring about positive change.  But when we punish our mate with the “silent treatment,” we create an adversarial relationship.

Instead of resorting to this punishing and relationship killing technique, I want to urge you to use some self-talk to stay in the conversation.  Make a commitment to your spouse to not withdraw when feelings are bruised or talking is difficult.  While you may need to agree to revisit the issue later when feelings are more settled, commit yourself to following through with this action.  Bottom line – while it can be a hard pattern to break, it is imperative that you do so for the sake of your marriage.  Cold shoulders can kill connection while embracing the opportunity for honest dialog can build renewed vibrancy.