“Sure,” you may think. “A party sounds like fun.” Good. Oh, “What kind of party?” You would have to ask that. Well, now I’m not so certain you will want to come. You see, the party to which I am inviting you is one at which there will be guilt, nastiness, and unfair fighting. Oh yeah, and maybe a little bit of ridiculous irrational craziness. Now if you are like most, you may have just decided to turn down my invitation. If only it were that simple.
It is not uncommon for people to deal with their dysfunction by dragging you into their world. If they feel angry, they enjoy getting you to react with anger too. If they hurl insults, they want you to play in that crazy sandbox as well. As a result, we get mad and frustrated. What is wrong with them? Why won’t they change? And there is the real craziness.
We can’t make people change by telling them they have to. We can’t make them behave differently by putting our boundaries in place. However, in doing so, we can protect ourselves from additional hurt. The reality is that difficult people want us to fight back with their weapons because they can always win that type of altercation. But as one writer put it, “You can’t out-negative them.”
It is important that we learn to resist hurtful individuals (even when they are family members) by using our strengths and not their weaknesses. When they accuse, we listen for understanding; when they sidestep the issue, we stay on topic; when they sling mud, we cover with love. You see, when they invite me to the crazy-making party, I have a choice. I don’t have to go. And in the long run, I, and perhaps, the relationship will be better if I don’t. My tip this week is this: use your wisdom to choose which kind of relational party to attend. The healthy ones are waaaay more fun!