Have you ever made that statement or felt that way? If you are human, then you probably have. As I sat with a client yesterday, I was reminded of this very tendency. You see, we don’t like being in the hot-seat, feeling attacked or unfairly accused. Therefore, when we do, our first reaction is usually to throw up our shield, grab our sword, and start swinging – figuratively speaking.
Certainly there are times when we are unjustly accused and an appropriate defense maybe be needed in the course of conversation. Unfortunately, if we have felt that way often, defensiveness may be our first go to. You may be able to trace your feelings of unfair attacks clear back to childhood when you were accused of some act that your sibling had committed, and you weren’t allowed to say anything. You may have even vowed, “I wasn’t allowed to defend myself as a child, but nobody can treat me that way as an adult.” While those sentiments are understandable, that response is not always productive.
If we want to be approachable and have other people feel safe to talk with us, the first thing we need to do is to take a look at ourselves. Consider what is being said and evaluate whether there might be even some merit in what we are hearing. If there is, own it. When we can own our stuff, people will respect us more and will want to spend more time with us rather than less.
Another tip for us to keep in mind is that even if their accusation is out of line, the other person will be better able to hear our explanation, or our reasonable defense, if we have genuinely heard them out first.
We often think that our defense is a sign of strength, and at times it may be. But consider today how lowering your defenses may actually indicate care and respect for the other person.