A recently read quote – “If you want to kill a relationship outright, have an affair. But if you want to bludgeon it to death slowly, use criticism.”
Ongoing criticism causes people to feel unloved, attacked, disrespected, and many other feelings that you could add to the list. If I were to ask an audience, “Who would like to volunteer to be criticized?” I doubt that anyone would sign up. None of us like it. We despise the feeling of being talked down to, parented, and demeaned. And yet, even though we know how it feels and we hate it – we are oh so good at doing it.
Criticism can take many forms: sarcasm, passive-aggressive behavior, or relentless nagging. It is a pattern that we get into and learn to do without even thinking. I appreciate the somewhat playful but intentional message that can be communicated when pattern breaking behaviors are attempted such as those suggested by therapist Cloe Madanes. In working with a couple in which the wife was continually sarcastic, she instructed the husband to do the following: as soon as his wife made a sarcastic comment, he was to lie flat on his back and say, “Kick me! Kick me! It would hurt less.” It proved to be very effective.
As you know from being on the receiving end, criticism rarely results in changed behavior, but often creates distance in a relationship. With that in mind – next time you are about to criticize your spouse, stop – think through how you would prefer to be approached if the situation were reversed, and then engage your mate with a more direct, honest, kind, and loving approach. I promise – he or she will appreciate it.