You get up to go into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Your spouse asks. “When you come back would you bring that small container of ice cream?” Inside your head (maybe outside of your head too) you say, “What am I, your slave?” We have all thought it and most of us have said it at one time or another. And of course when we utter those words, we have a pretty good idea how the rest of the conversation is likely to go – not well.
But think back to when you were first married – in the very beginning. I am guessing that you would have had a much more tempered, perhaps even pleasant, response. But somewhere along the way, we began to feel unappreciated, and when that happens we are much less likely to want to “do for” the other person. Even if the scenario is exactly the same, we probably don’t respond with the same level of grace and desire to serve that we once did. But why? In all likelihood it is because we feel unappreciated and taken advantage of.
I want to suggest perhaps a different thought today. While the scenario may be the same, we find ourselves attaching a different meaning to it, and with that come different feelings. Your partner’s request for the ice cream is simply a behavior. If I believe that my timing to get water just happened to occur when they thought about ice cream, it probably doesn’t feel like an imposition. However, if I believe they are too lazy to get up of the couch, and they always want me to wait upon them, I will feel resentful.
Today, if you find yourself feeling “put upon,” try attaching a different meaning to the behavior or request. Changing the thoughts the lead to feelings of unappreciation can be the beginning of more positive interactions, which all by themselves will begin to feel better.