“What do you mean, am I defensive? What are you saying about me? Maybe I sometimes stick up for myself when somebody is attacking me? And, well, I may at times feel as though I have to explain why I did something. But defensive, why would you say that?”
We have all been there. Someone says something that zings us and we frequently feel the need to explain our reasoning or, far too often, zing them back. But that is typically not very productive. However, if we could avoid getting defensive, our disagreements, or arguments, could go much more smoothly. But you are probably thinking – “It is my mate’s defensiveness that is a problem – not mine.” Hmm. So, assuming that is the case, today I want to suggest three steps (there are certainly more that could be helpful) that you can take that might help to lower your spouse’s defensiveness.
1) Do your best to listen to your spouse for understanding. Far too often, while we are listening, we are thinking of our response. This can get in the way of truly nearing and understanding where they are coming from.
2) Don’t interrupt them. That will only lead to them feeling as though you are discounting what they are sayng. Hear them out.
3) Strive to respond to your husband or wife with empathy. They may be sharing honest feelings with you. It is easy to be dismissive of their emotions but not productive. If they feel that we can imagine yourself in their shoes, they will be much more open and responsive.
I encourage you to try these three steps and see if they don’t lower your stress and strengthen your connection.