You are cleaning the kitchen after dinner. As you wiping down the countertops, your mate asks, “Why are you using that scrubber to clean the counters?” Immediately, you find yourself in defensive mode, trying to explain, justify, and defend your actions. Maybe, he or she, is just asking out of curiosity, but you are feeling attacked and go into full-on defensive mode? What is that about?
There are several possibilities. For example, you may have grown up in a household where your parents were constantly questioning, perhaps even criticizing, seemingly, everything you did. You were constantly on the defensive. So, when your spouse asks you why you are doing a particular thing – yho find yourself feeling those emotions from your childhood. It is also possible that your husband or wife is actually criticizing your actions, which doesn’t feel good.
But there are a couple of things you can try that might help with this issue.
First, you can become more aware of the root of your own triggers. Is it leftover childhood feelings that are being triggered? Or have you had other relationships that have felt critical or accusatory? If that is the case, you might work to separate those triggers from the questions your mate is asking. There may be no connection between the two. And your partner deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Second, do your best to make positive assumptions about the question you are being asked. It is easy to jump to a place of assuming that you are being attacked when in fact your spouse is actually asking a question because they genuinely want information or clarity.
While defensiveness is a natural reaction when we feel we are being unfairly criticized, taking the time to analyze what is behind our reactions might help alleviate those tense interactions.