It’s been a long week and you are looking forward to going out to dinner with your spouse. For some reason you have been thinking all day about Mexican food. Your mouth is watering for some chips and salsa.
Your mate comes through the door and says, “I’m hungry. I thought maybe we could try the new Italian place up the road.” Do you say , “OK,” or do you express your desire for Mexican food tonight?
Assertiveness has often been given a bad rap, as people often interchange it with aggressiveness. But assertiveness is very different and can enrich your relationship.
I recently had a couple in my office talking about this very issue. For 20 years, she would state her desire or give an opinion and he would simply say “OK.’ From her perspective, they seemed to work pretty well together as a team. However, he saw no team at all. Finally, in session, he stated, “We’ve been doing things your way for 20 years. Now it’s time to do things my way.” She was stunned as she had no idea that he felt this way. Of course, the answer isn’t to do things his way for 20 years. The key is for them both to learn healthy assertiveness.
When both people in a marriage are able to ask for what they want, discuss differences of opinion, and then problem solve together, they gain insight into their mate’s thinking, wants, and needs, and actually, learn how to love them better.
So, I encourage you to consider two things: 1) are you willing to engage in assertiveness, and 2) are you willing to provide a safe place for you partner to be able to express their assertiveness as well?