I just finished a session with a couple today that was frustrating for them and frustrating for me as well. Why? Because they are not all in. It won’t surprise you to know that I see couples who are having “issues.” All of them. This couple today was no exception.
They have been separated for a number of months while they attempt to work through their problems. In their previous session they had agreed that they wanted to do a “reset” – a kind of starting over again. They had a game plan with some specific strategies. While they had gotten along better since their last session they had still hit a couple of bumps. So, we explored them and this is where things went south.
In an important birthday event, he had only half-heartedly participated, leaving her feeling very unimportant. Now I was thinking what a great opportunity to express love and care, especially as one might do with a “reset.” Yet, when I inquired about that, he said “I want to do a reset but I still have issues.” Basically he demonstrated that he has “one foot in and on foot out,” and that never works.
A relationship that is about fairness rather than about uncompromising love will always have issues. They get caught up in tit-for-tat behaviors, always looking for things to be even or equal, and never fully giving oneself to the other person. For a relationship to thrive, both people need to be completely (with both feet) in the game.
So, I encourage you to look where your heart is – are you only strategically participating in your partnership or have you fully given yourself to the relationship? I hope that you will be all in.