I just finished a counseling session with a couple who talked about wanting to be on the same team, but then everything they discussed demonstrated that they are clearly fighting for their individual agendas. They are far from embracing a “team” concept.
In a marriage we are two individuals who “become one”, creating a new dynamic. But as I have discussed before, the whole “independent” “interdependent” thing can be a challenge to navigate. So, what can we do to increase our connection that will help us to be on the same team?
First, it is important to stop keeping score. So many couples keep track of how many times they have had to unload the dishwasher, or take out the trash, or walk the dog. But marriage is not about getting and giving in equal amounts. And frequently score keeping is really about something deeper – such as feelings of not being important to your mate, or feeling that you are not given quality time. If you can see the bigger picture and what the real issues are, you are better positioned to problem solve together as teammates.
Second, you need to let each other in. On a team, members typically have strengths and weaknesses. There are reasons why the shortstop on a baseball team is not the pitcher – different strengths and giftings. A great shortstop would probably be a dismal pitcher. Similarly in marriage, we have differing strengths as well as vulnerabilities. Honestly discussing them can help us to make great strides at being better teammates.
It is a lot more fun to work and play together than it is to try to make it as a lone wolf. I would love to hear from you as to ways you have discovered to be a better teammate with your spouse.