While most of us think about the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s) as days to look forward to, just as many often cringe when they think about what is in store for them. You see, not all family get-to-gathers always go well. You may even dread them.
I have one client, who is an introvert, who goes to the in-laws for Christmas, where things are loud, chaotic (from his perspective) and it just drains the life right out of him. Last year, another client, was grateful that, that with the pandemic raging, they couldn’t gather with their family – which for them was a relief.
Why do so many struggle with families and holidays? Frequently it has to do with poor boundaries. For example, you go home for Thanksgiving and, no matter how old you are, your parents treat you as though you are still a child living under their roof – but you’re 35 with two of your own kids. You have tried to say something, but your attempts are dismissed. Or perhaps every year you and your siblings go home for Christmas, but with all the kids having kids, there just isn’t room at mom and dad’s house anymore. But when you mention that you might want to stay at a hotel (where there is more room), your mom responds as though you just shot grandma. What can you do?
I have three brief suggestions today:
- If you are married, make sure that you and your spouse are on the same page with regards to what you want to put in place.
- Communicate your boundaries to you family directly and respectfully.
- (This is key) Enforce your boundaries consistently. The previous two steps don’t matter if you don’t follow through with this.
Healthy boundary setting is not mean or selfish, but is actually a loving thing to do for both you and your family. Like “Good fences make good neighbors,” Good boundaries improve family interactions. Establish good boundaries this year and have a fabulous Christmas!