I sit with couples on a regular basis who argue and fight. They tell about their conflicts at home and they frequently live those conflicts out in my office. Fortunately, when they are sitting with me, I am often able to redirect them or get them to pause their thinking and consider other possibilities.
When we are in the heat of battle, many can only think about winning – and I understand. We may feel insulted, disrespected, or talked down to. When these things happen, they set our triggers in motion and our emotions are off to the races.
However, if we can learn to do a couple of things differently, we just might get results that are much easier to live with. You see, when we are calm, we are probably able to rationally discuss how to better handle conflict. But when we are in the thick of it, it is much more difficult to think clearly. Maybe we can consider these two steps:
- Don’t get caught up in who is right or who is to blame. Certainly, there may be some ownership that needs to be taken – but what if we were to focus on what part we may be responsible for rather than on the blame we want our mate to take. Owning our own stuff makes it easier for the other person to take responsibility for their part.
- Strive to problem solve. Continuing to point fingers seldom moves a conversation forward. However, working with our spouse to find solutions gives us more of a teamwork mindset as we endeavor to address our common problem.
There is great wisdom to be found in Jesus’ words. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” (Matthew 5:9)