We have, once again made it through the holidays. Maybe it was a wonderful time as you ate Aunt Winnell’s famous apple pie, or you hung out with your cousins playing football in the mud, or whatever traditions you may have had. On the other hand it may have been stressful because you violated rules you didn’t even know about – the unwritten ones.
But what are those unwritten rules and how can we . . . well. . . .know them? An unwritten rule, for example, would be when your aunt offers you seconds on dessert, you found it to be so good that you accept the offer. But later on, your wife tells you she was embarrassed by your piggish behavior. Caught off guard, you ask, “What are you talking about?” Your wife replies, “In our family, nobody has seconds on dessert.” You wonder how in the world you were supposed to know that. It is one of those unwritten rules.
While many unwritten rules in family happen organically, they also can be the source of conflict with your spouse if they violate a rule that you just assumed everyone knew. But frequently, everyone, including your spouse, doesn’t know. When this happens, it is important to pause the knee-jerk reaction and talk with your spouse about your differences in how you understood the situation, and then gracefully communicate what you want.
Unwritten rules are fairly common. Communicating about them – not so much. Let’s try and meet our mates where they are, when they violate one of those rules and, perhaps, they will meet us where are when we violate one of theirs.