I have recently come across some old cassette tapes of music that I have loved from years gone by. I have been converting these into CDs so that I can still enjoy these classic bands in my car. I am amazed at how powerful these old tapes can be in transporting me back in time to memories of my teen years.
Similarly in our relationships, others can say or do things that take us to either pleasant or negative places. Unfortunately, I have watched some individuals work to recapture those times, which can be very dangerous. It may be reconnecting with an “old flame” on Facebook, which initially seems harmless but ultimately has led to the unraveling of far too many marriages.
Other times, a negative tape is replayed when perhaps your spouse says something that feels horribly offensive. It is possible that your husband or wife may not even be aware of what has occurred. This happens when the tapes were created via a dysfunctional childhood, through a previously hurtful dating relationship, or an ex-spouse. Far too frequently I see men and women quarrelling about offenses whose roots extend way prior to their current relationship.
When we allow those “old tapes” to be played or “old buttons” to be pushed, we are actually taking our frustration or anger at someone else out on our current partner. We find ourselves getting crosswise with our mate but are baffled as to why that is. It could be that your spouse teases you about something innocent such as how you wear your hat. No big deal. But you remember when a previous dating partner criticized you mercilessly about how you wore your hat. You hated it and here your mate is doing the exact same thing . . . well, not exactly. But it triggers those negative emotions.
I encourage you to try to be aware this week of when those “old tapes” begin to play and refuse to give in to those powerful memories. Instead, clearly communicate with your mate about the present – both actions and feelings, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, just maybe, you can trade those “old tapes” in for new CDs.