For many step-parents, the answer to this question would be a resounding “No!” I have heard comments such as, “I was such great friends with his kids before we got married. I don’t know what happened.” Or “My partner and I had discussed this issue prior to marriage and thought we had a handle on it. Boy, were we wrong!”
I will admit upfront, step-parenting is not for the faint of heart. Many couples enter a marriage naively thinking, “I love him or her and so I know my kids will too.” And maybe they do. However, there may be feelings of – “This new person is infringing on my space and my free access to mom.” “I like her, but now that she and Dad married, my biological parents will never get back together.” And there are many more sentiments that might be expressed.
But here is the amazing thing – these children, without ever having taken a workshop or training course, are experts at splitting you and your spouse. They can turn on the guilt trip about your divorce from your former spouse, causing you to give in to unreasonable demands. Your new mate might make a comment regarding your children that triggers some old tapes regarding your competence as a parent. It doesn’t take much to divide and conquer and suddenly you and your mate are at odds seemingly on different teams. What to do?
Most importantly is to decide that you are not going to get sucked into the kid’s baiting of you; that when confronted with a potential conflict, that you are going to get alone, out of the kid’s earshot, and discuss both your feelings along with reasonable expectations. Then whatever you decide, you, together, are going to present a united front to the kids, making it clear that you cannot be divided.
This in not a complete answer but only a starting point. But if you are in a blended family situation, I urge you today to make a commitment to your spouse that you will not be divided but will unwaveringly be on the same team!