“She is such a pig. I mean, she leaves messes everywhere.” He continues, “I feel like I work all day and then come home and have to do everything.” “I can’t believe you are saying that,” she replied. “Yesterday when I got home I fixed you dinner and cleaned up everything. So, I don’t know how you can say I don’t do anything.”
We have probably all had those types of conversations somewhere in our relationship. So, many times it is almost like this couple – we have a mindset of the way things are and that is what we focus on. In turn, by focusing on the negatives, we clearly see them – and miss the positives that don’t fit into our preconceived framework. So how do we begin to change that?
It is important to understand that what we focus on will expand. It is kind of like when you buy a new car and suddenly everywhere you look, you see the same kind of car. You start to think they must have had a sale and everybody bought your brand this weekend. But the reality is that as you focus on what you purchased, that is what you began to see. Similarly, if you focus on what your spouse does that bugs you, then you will see all kinds of reasons to be irritated. If you focus on what you love about your spouse, you are much more likely to spot those behaviors.
Please don’t think that I am suggesting that we all start wearing rose colored glasses and ignore reality. But what I do want to encourage is retuning our focus to notice those qualities that we were attracted to in the first place. Work this week to notice the things you love – then observe what you see. It could be interesting.