Remember when you were dating your future spouse and you seemed to agree on everything? You wanted two children and so did he. You both liked Italian food, wanted to travel, enjoyed hiking, and had the same spiritual goals. Nothing could be better. However, once you got married, you discovered that you weren’t quite as aligned as you were led to believe.
Some disagreements are relatively . . . well, ridiculous. Such as which way the toilet paper roll should go or how best to load the dishwasher. But others have longer-term ramifications – such as: how to discipline your children, whether or not God will play a central role in your marriage, or the best ways to provide for your parents as they age. These are harder disagreements. So, what can you do to become more aligned?
I want to suggest three steps you might take to help you navigate these challenging situations.
- Know that having disagreements is normal. We sometimes come to the discussion with our most sincere and best intentions. As one author writes, “Behind the argument, there is something you’re working toward, an end game or greater purpose that’s driving your pursuit, albeit in different ways.”
- Demonstrate respect and trust towards your spouse. While your goals may be aligned, they also may be headed in opposite directions. But demeaning your mate will not move things forward. It is important to listen with an open heart to what drives your husband or wife’s pursuit.
- Finally, keep talking. Continue to listen to each other and the reasons they feel the way that they do about a given topic. If you will keep talking with each other, you might actually learn something new that may even lead to altering your opinion, or theirs.
While working these steps are no guarantee of coming to agreement, using them will create opportunities for new possibilities for growth and understanding.